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Old 10-02-2010, 11:02 PM
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Default Untitled

This is the first verse to a Two Part sonG i'm work'n on... Has a unique cadance in its delivery and some animation vocaly as far as how it lands through the instrumental... I have no title as of yet...





I’m Soiled in Epiphany…Listening…Fidgeting

Boiled and I’m Blistering…The Mimicry is sickening

The Old Worlds have Forsaken…The New Worlds Resent…

Born into Failing…What we Swore to Protect

And I Swear it’s your Neck…And you’ll...cherish your Breath

Then we’ll Tare thru your Chest…Like a bear thru your tent

Come on; Reap the whirlwind, your world spins, your world ends…

Your world doesn’t exist, anymore…your Wordless…

We Fight for the meek…the weak…the innocent…the child

And I got a line behind me…just like me…For Miles

If you thought It was the Wicked that have Weapons and Will

And you thought it was Evil that unconsciously Killz

You should know it’s the Righteous…with veins of barbed wire

That have mauled in the Silence…And made the sky Fire

Without question…Concern…Conscious…or Regret

When we watered the earth…with the red till its Wet

The Vial Molest…Rape and Murder our Seeds…

Mothers Killing there Children…3rd degrees cop’n Pleas

There’s no Barter or Bargain…When a righteous Heart Hardens

Only Targets…and Carnage…Bombarded in the Darkness

In a Symphony of Entities…Exciting Collectively

Wretched Scream and Memory…Connected like the Centuries

And Pressed into Parchment…Like Light into Dark Then

Displayed in the ageless words of a war torn heart

Friends of the Enemy Is Enemy…Have Eyes to see it All

Cuz it will be Merciless Victory…When the Empires Fall


----------------------

My thoughts were in contrast to how traditionaly we're pushed into a fearful exhistance...fearing evil and those who perpatrate evil acts... To me its a masterful way to opress... We're taught to bow before we're able to discover a Fear that has merit, and is fruitful. THe song is an attempt to give the listener a perspective that is seldom perceived...A variance in notion... The second verse is only done in part... Its been dribbleing out slowly...

To me it does not have the same impact in text...as it does translated to vocals... but what do I actually know anyway


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Old 10-02-2010, 11:49 PM
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Default Re: Untitled

Quote:
My thoughts were in contrast to how traditionaly we're pushed into a fearful exhistance...fearing evil and those who perpatrate evil acts... To me its a masterful way to opress... We're taught to bow before we're able to discover a Fear that has merit, and is fruitful. THe song is an attempt to give the listener a perspective that is seldom perceived...A variance in notion... The second verse is only done in part... Its been dribbleing out slowly...

To me it does not have the same impact in text...as it does translated to vocals... but what do I actually know anyway
I like the concept, its viable (meaning your above introduction)
Yeah, It has a cadence that flows really well, I only read it once cus Im beat beat down tired, and wanna do it justice

I read it out loud to myself wishing I could hear you do it, I read it to like a beat sort rap like, but it flowed and it talked it walked it built it continued building, it impressed me, it has power, im very appreciative to see the reverance you have to not RUSH the second verse, often when we do that, we accoit and damage the foundation laid in the first

we do things differently however, i never compose, it kust comes to me, it has not for years now, thjerefore i have not written, because I respect my approach as you do you foundation method approach, I did write a fe piece on purpose the last few years, they were horrid, i had a season of several good years, and i did nothing but write im glad id, because it has never touched me since,anyway im digressing, the cadence and flow was way cool. the power
was very compact Im glad your waiting and reworking the second, because the first is deserving of that, im gona highlight a few lines liked a lot tomorrow,
is liked to know more about how you deliver it, do you have like a facebook
whats the other one I like to hear you music? or myspace?'

Note there were many lines i adored, by no means does that imply I though
the others lacking, but you have ALL power, it would ignite and exlpode
lol

Manana, you hone you craft, I respect that

Peace

Rod











I’m Soiled in Epiphany…Listening…Fidgeting

Boiled and I’m Blistering…The Mimicry is sickening

The Old Worlds have Forsaken…The New Worlds Resent…

Born into Failing…What we Swore to Protect

And I Swear it’s your Neck…And you’ll...cherish your Breath

Then we’ll Tare thru your Chest…Like a bear thru your tent

Come on; Reap the whirlwind, your world spins, your world ends…

Your world doesn’t exist, anymore…your Wordless…

We Fight for the meek…the weak…the innocent…the child

And I got a line behind me…just like me…For Miles


If you thought It was the Wicked that have Weapons and Will

And you thought it was Evil that unconsciously Killz


You should know it’s the Righteous…with veins of barbed wire

That have mauled in the Silence…And made the sky
Fire


Without question…Concern…Conscious…or Regret

When we watered the earth…with the red till its Wet

The Vial Molest…Rape and Murder our Seeds…

Mothers Killing there Children…3rd degrees cop’n Pleas


There’s no Barter or Bargain…When a righteous Heart Hardens

Only Targets…and Carnage…Bombarded in the Darkness


In a Symphony of Entities…Exciting Collectively

Wretched Scream and Memory…Connected like the Centuries

And Pressed into Parchment…Like Light into Dark Then

Displayed in the ageless words of a war torn heart


Friends of the Enemy Is Enemy…Have Eyes to see it All

Cuz it will be Merciless Victory…When the Empires Fall


As you can see there was a lot i really really liked
I loved the way i read it too it built as it pinnacled in power ...

I must retreat, maybe if you want you can toss some of the ideas for the second verse if your comfortable

short version, I thought it was bad i like it, it had a distinct cadecne mentioned
that flowed very very well

ty for brinig it, ill share more tommorrow after ive read it a few times, im funny thibs way, i give a lot of respect to my firts read through of anything
it tells me much, if i like it, it climbs righ on my back, sets right in my head
gotta call it a night before mt spelling gets worse
you honor this pavillion with the pen you grace us with yout talent and soul
you got soul Cloud is another favorite of mine

manana my brother sorry bout my repetition..lol glad your taking the second and giving it reverance cus the first verse is deserving indeed
one stanza poorly written can destroy a work, i almost posted a piece recently, but it was three poems to long lol, it was but too damn long,lol

back at you tomorrow man, it creshendos' please forgive me my typos im too tired to fix, I got bad light,

Rod
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Last edited by Bard; 10-03-2010 at 11:45 AM.
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Old 10-03-2010, 03:12 PM
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Default Re: Untitled

Could the title be in the first line,
giving it the honor it deserves,

Guess which word im thinking of?
Only talking off the cuff,
the title is as personal as the heart of the creator,
hence ALWAYS the creators choice.

but it might help forming the second verse.



Quote:
I’m Soiled in Epiphany…Listening…Fidgeting
The first line is a complete tale unto itself
storyteller quality, confessional box touch.

Are we preaching ie is it sermonizing?

proclaiming? Is it a proclamation

Or confessing? is it a confession

Or all three? or all the above o none of the above.

give the ear of the listener, a myriad of choices
as the cadence leads him along...
or tears him away, from delving further..
ha ha like a tease, show and tell shut.

just off the cuff man

So cool, the many options the hearer/reader has


Im enjoying this piece






The ballad builds in tornadic violence contained?
Barely,again, a confession, begging looking for a stopsign of reason that makes sence, before erupting

Quote:
Boiled and I’m Blistering…The Mimicry is sickening


Note, when I use the term off the cuff, please do not interpret that as meaning flip, my meaning is often I feel a persons FIRST responce to most anything,IS generally the truth, the very first feeling or though that visits our heart, before a second thought has a chance to form. like a laugh delivered in honesty, not always well timed, hence adding to its honesty, not always but often

Like laughing at a fat joke before
having time to remind yourself that i
t is not considered PC correct.
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Last edited by Bard; 10-03-2010 at 06:47 PM.
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Old 10-04-2010, 10:17 PM
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Default Re: Untitled

It does build... It peaks...falls... then it rises again... in the vocalization more so than in the text... but yes for sure...

Could be called Epiphany... we'll see... I like it...


It is all three... Tho at the intro a proclamation no doubt... then it terns to sermon... and then confession... and it continues to revolve as you pointed out...


I'll toss up the second verse sometime this week i'm sure... I'm inspired to finish if not just to see what you think...
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Old 10-05-2010, 03:42 PM
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Default Re: Untitled

Quote:
Originally Posted by CooCooTheLooseScrew
It does build... It peaks...falls... then it rises again... in the vocalization more so than in the text... but yes for sure...

Could be called Epiphany... we'll see... I like it...


It is all three... Tho at the intro a proclamation no doubt... then it terns to sermon... and then confession... and it continues to revolve as you pointed out...


I'll toss up the second verse sometime this week i'm sure... I'm inspired to finish if not just to see what you think...

I would never even want to help name a piece so grand, looking forward to the second verse,

you know whats really funny, and will give you an entire new prospective?

Yes epiphany is the obvious hook title insofar as attraction

Yet i was speaking of 'Listening"

Which is what the reader is doing, as well as what you needed to do in order to have made the astute observations you founded in your expeditions in life you made/survived Aonnother vantage point, is you listening to the inner keeper SHOUTING this proclamation to you.

though certainly Epiphany would be far more catchy, theres scores of titles in this volcaic piece, im gratefull you are sharing it with me.

Its Pregnant. & implosive.

Its an internal implosion & proclamation and denunciation, dancing upon
violent sermonizing verses of poetry decrying and declaring the glaring injustices and flaws littering and earmarking this passage/voyage of life in this community and inhabitants constituting life, in this realm as well as the others ha.... its the poet and artist and soldier and preacher & watchman all mixed in a ball. accented with a 'exclaimation mark' of the seer & prophet
at the end,.....its what Dylan wanted to be.

ha ha..You see how fun loose and comfortable collaberation can be among friends lol
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Old 10-05-2010, 05:47 PM
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Default Re: Untitled

I can only hope I am making a bit of sense
in an abstract sort of way at least...
if not, im certain the faults mine lol
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Last edited by Bard; 10-05-2010 at 05:48 PM.
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Old 10-05-2010, 07:01 PM
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Default Re: Untitled

Oh nO..it's makes perfect sense... undeniabley the most accurate description of one of my pieces in regards to my own thoughts about it... that's awsome!!!!

I like "Listening" as well as a title... about half done with the second verse... lets see how she pans out...

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Old 10-06-2010, 01:17 PM
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Default Re: Untitled

Quote:
...Soiled in Epiphany...
Your audience is above child bearing years. If they truly grasp the implications of soiled, well above.

Jest sayin'.
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Old 10-06-2010, 03:56 PM
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Default Re: Untitled

THat's the point.
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Old 10-06-2010, 04:00 PM
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Default Re: Untitled

'Sky Fire'


"A Symphony of Entities"



'Epiphany'


'Listening'


"Born into Failing"



"Mauled in Silence"


'Old world Forsaken'


'Barbed Wire'


'Reap the whirlwind"


As stated prior, i think titles are very personal
None can creat the the correct one
but only the creator
im just playing, I did see a couple I liked ha ha
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Last edited by Bard; 10-06-2010 at 04:14 PM.
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